Star Trek The Christmas Musical
by SpirkTrekker42
Summary: COMPLETE! The Enterprise crew celebrates the season through song. Lulz commence. Chapter 8 - Jim Kirk, the cocky cadet, had a quite ingenious brain. And if you ever met him, you might think he wasn’t sane. Ch 9 Finale is up! K/S slash, Sc/U
1. The Twelve Days Of Christmas

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional carol that has been around since the 16th century.

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 1:

_The Twelve Days of Christmas_

(As sung by James T. Kirk)

_Location: U.S.S. Enterprise_

"You asked for me to meet you here, Captain?" Spock pushed the close button to the observation deck door, leaving him inside with Jim Kirk.

"I did." Jim smiled brightly at his bondmate. "Spock, Christmas will be here in two weeks, and I wanted to teach you some of the Terran songs associated with the holiday."

"That sounds agreeable." Spock took a seat on the floor as Jim cleared his throat to address his audience of one.

"I would like to dedicate this song to Spock, the love of my life." The captain winked at his Vulcan and blew him a kiss. "Spock, wave to our audience." The Vulcan's eyebrow twitched.

"Jim, that would be illogical, as there is no one here besides us."

"Spoilsport," Kirk muttered, but he wasn't offended. "Alright, this next song is called 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'. It's been a favorite song of mine ever since I was a little kid. But I changed the words a bit to give my bondmate an idea of some things I might want as presents this year. So, here it goes."

Jim began, his rich tenor filling the observation deck (and his bondmate) with great joy as he sang his rendition of the centuries old Christmas tune.

_On the first day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_A mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the second day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Two long baths_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the third day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Three lute songs_

_Two long baths_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the fourth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Four fist bumps_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the fifth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the sixth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Six deep massages_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the seventh day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Seven years 'til pon farr_

_Six deep massages,_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the eighth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Eight sweet endearments_

_Seven years 'til Pon Farr,_

_Six deep massages,_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the ninth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Nine insults for Bones_

_Eight sweet endearments,_

_Seven years 'til Pon Farr,_

_Six deep massages,_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the tenth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Ten Iowa steaks_

_Nine insults for Bones,_

_Eight sweet endearments,_

_Seven years 'til Pon Farr,_

_Six deep massages,_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the eleventh day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Eleven eyebrow raises_

_Ten Iowa steaks,_

_Nine insults for Bones,_

_Eight sweet endearments,_

_Seven years 'til Pon Farr,_

_Six deep massages,_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

_On the twelfth day of Christmas, my t'hy'la gave to me_

_Twelve Vulcan kisses,_

_Eleven eyebrow raises,_

_Ten Iowa steaks,_

_Nine insults for Bones,_

_Eight sweet endearments,_

_Seven years 'til Pon Farr,_

_Six deep massages,_

_Five gold shirts!_

_Four fist bumps,_

_Three lute songs,_

_Two long baths,_

_And a mind meld with yours truly!_

When he was finished, Jim looked at Spock expectantly. He knew Spock had enjoyed the performance due to their mind link, but he still wanted a reaction from his prim and proper Vulcan, whose handsome face was quite blank.

//That was a most illogical song, Jim.// Spock thought, but his bondmate knew better…

//I'll show you illogical…// Kirk mentally growled. Spock did not prevent his captain from pouncing on him and wrestling him to the ground. He also did not stop Jim from crawling atop him and pressing their bodies together.

"Mmm…" Jim moaned, as he kissed and nibbled and licked his way down that delectable Vulcan neck.

"Computer, seal observation deck," Spock ordered. He knew from past experience that things were about to get out of control. The last thing he wanted was a repeat of the time poor innocent widdle Chekov accidentally walked in on him and Jim doing the big nasty. "Command Spock Beta Theta Mu Five Ohhh Jim Seven Three."

"Command denied," the computer replied. "Incorrect code." Spock felt a stab of laughter through their bond.

//I fail to see what is so amusing, Jim.//

//You can't even get the code out, you're so compromised.// Spock wished he could wipe that smug look off his bondmate's pretty face.

"Jim," he warned. "Kindly refrain from your actions for a moment while I seal the deck."

"Aw, Spock," Jim whined. "It's much more fun when you know someone could walk in on us at any time."

Just as Jim finished his sentence, they heard voices outside. Spock's eyes grew large, and he tried to push his bondmate off him with little success.

"Oh, LEONARD!" The female voice gushed outside. "I've wanted this for so long. I can't believe you're in love with me!"

"I can't believe you'd want a grumpy old man," McCoy admitted. "Are you sure there's nothing wrong with your brain, Christine? Maybe we'd better have it scanned just in case."

"I'm sure," giggled the nurse. "I really love you, Leonard, and I want to be with you."

"I think I can arrange that," was the doctor's husky reply. The door to the observation deck slid open, to reveal a thoroughly green Spock squirming away from Jim's iron grip.

"Aw, shit," McCoy muttered, averting his eyes, even though his friends were both perfectly decent. "Of all the couples on this ship, it had to be _them_ we walked in on." Jim winked at the medical pair.

"Actually, Spock and I were just leaving - you can have the place all to yourselves," the captain generously offered, as he pulled Spock to his feet. (The humiliated Vulcan was too embarrassed to look McCoy or Chapel in the eye.) "I'm glad you two finally figured out what the rest of the crew already knew. Have fun, and don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Jim winked at Bones, who blushed.

"Dammit, Jim, go take care of your Vulcan."

"Gladly," said Kirk, and he whisked Spock away, leaving the medical couple alone in front of the stars.

.~.

A/N: This is my favorite Christmas song ever, so I had to start with this one. I plan on doing at least a couple more songs before the 25th.

Requests for Christmas songs would be appreciated!! (Try and pick songs where I can rework the words to fit the Trek universe.) The funnier the better! I'll probably try and work "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer" in there somewhere. ;)


	2. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional carol that has been around since the 16th century.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to droopydog, who gave me the title and idea to use.

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 2:

_Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer_

Captain James Kirk gazed out at the stars as morning Alpha shift crawled by. Then he had an idea on how to lighten the mood.

"Chekov, have you made the announcements yet?"

"Nyet, Keptin," the ensign responded with a blush. "I vas just about to get started right now –"

"Do you mind if I give you an introduction?" Pavel shrugged.

"If you think dat is necessary…" Kirk grinned, and punched on the shipwide intercom.

"Attention crew of the _Enterprise_, this is Captain Kirk. I know you all are expecting to arrive on New Vulcan for scheduled shore leave, but Starfleet has ordered us to patrol the neutral zone for the next three months, effective immediately."

"Sir?" Lieutenant Uhura balked, turning around in her chair to stare at Kirk. "I have received no such orders-" Jim held up his hand for silence.

"Actually, I'm just kidding. We're still going on shore leave." Sulu heaved a great sigh of relief. He'd made big plans for this shore leave and he didn't want Starfleet messing with his agenda. "However, before Chekov begins the morning announcements, I wanted to treat you all to a little Christmas diddy I made up in the shower," Kirk continued. "I know the talent show isn't until tomorrow but think of this as a preview. This song is dedicated to all those who helped save Earth from a deranged, future Romulan by taking a chance and following a delinquent cadet's plan. And so, I give you, sung to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer… Nero Got Run Over By A Starship." Jim flashed a smile at his disbelieving bridge crew and began to sing.

_Nero got run over by a starship  
flyin' home from our timeline last week.  
You can say there's no such thing as karma.  
But as for me and Spock, yes we believe._

He'd been drinkin' Romulan Ale.  
And we'd yelled at him to go.  
But he forgot his medication,  
and he steered his ship right into a black hole.

When we found him Christmas mornin,'  
at the scene of the attack.  
He had red matter on his forehead,  
And some radiation burns upon his back.

_Nero got run over by a starship  
flyin' home from our timeline last week.  
You can say there's no such thing as karma.  
But as for me and Spock, yes we believe._

Now we're all so proud of Spo-ock.  
He's been takin' this so well.  
See him in there calculatin',  
drinkin' tea and playin' chess with young Pavel.

Over at the science station, Spock pretended not to notice his bondmate's serenade, but it was pretty much impossible. He had to admit, some of Jim's lyrics were pretty clever. The Vulcan thought the song was over, but Jim was just getting warmed up…

_It's not Christmas without Nero.  
All the crew is filled with glee!  
And we just can't help but wonder:  
Should we hold funeral or a party?  
(A party!)_  
_(Sing it, Spock!)_ The Vulcan just raised an eyebrow that clearly stated 'you have got to be joking'. Jim shrugged, and finished the song.

Nero got run over by a starship  
flyin' home from our timeline last week.  
You can say there's no such thing as karma.  
But as for me and Spock, yes we believe.

Now Sulu is eating veggies.  
And McCoy has brought the dip.  
Scotty's got a rotten sandwich,  
that would have matched the smell of Nero's ship.

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.  
"Better keep a sharp lookout."  
Things could get worse in the sequel,  
If a love triangle's what it's all about.

Nero got run over by a starship  
flyin' home from our timeline last week.  
You can say there's no such thing as karma.  
But as for me and Spock, yes we believe.

Nero got run over by a starship,  
flying' home from our timeline last week.  
You can say there's no such thing as karma,  
but as for me and Spock, yes we believe.

"Nice song, Captain," Uhura commented over a smattering of applause.

"Thanks, Nyota," said Jim. They were long past any animosity.

Amidst catcalls and whistles, Chekov began the announcements.

"How much longer do we have until we reach New Vulcan?" Jim asked Sulu.

"We're coming up on the colony momentarily, sir. In three – two – one…" The Enterprise shot out of warp, and they were hailed immediately by the Vulcan control center. Uhura put them on the main viewscreen.

"_Enterprise_, you are clear for space dock."

"Thank you. Have a nice day!" Kirk grinned at the Vulcan, knowing his remarks would be seen as illogical. He felt Spock's amusement through their bond. "Alright, Sulu, you have the con. Spock, come with me. We have some precious cargo to beam up."

Kirk and Spock took the turbolift down to the transporter room, where they were met by Scotty.

"I didn't expect to see you here," Jim said.

"Ah, well I figured I'd better oversee this beam up myself," said the Scot. He fiddled with the controls until the swirling beams of the transporter materialized into one very feisty young female Vulcan.

"Daddy!" She cried, and launched herself into Kirk's arms.

"Hey Saavik!" He grinned, ruffling her dark hair. "Did you miss me?" She nodded happily, and tightened her hold around him.

"Jim," Spock hissed. "I am trying to teach her self control in public. You are not helping matters."

"Oh," sighed Kirk. "I forgot."

"Hello, Father," Saavik said softly, stepping out of Kirk's embrace. "I trust you are doing well."

"I am quite well," said Spock with a nod. "I am pleased you have arrived safely." Kirk rolled his eyes.

"Geez, Spock, we're not at a diplomatic function. She's a kid! Let her be a kid while she still can." Spock shot his bondmate a look that plainly said 'we'll talk about this later'.

"So, what's new?" Kirk asked his adopted daughter.

"I am uncertain how to respond to that," she said seriously.

"Do you have any news for me and your father?" Kirk amended, suppressing a chuckle. She beamed at them.

"I've been practicing my song for the talent show tomorrow! Would you like to hear?" Without waiting for a response, she launched into song. "I saw Daddy Kissing –"

"Woah, save it for the show," Kirk insisted. "I'm sure it sounds great." He and Saavik shared a smile. "We've got to get back to the bridge but we'll see you tonight, okay love?"

"That sounds…" she glanced at Spock, "agreeable." Kirk glared at his bondmate. Why couldn't he just let their daughter be herself?

"Come now, lassie!" Scotty intervened. "I'll get you settled and then you can practice your song for me if ye like."

"Yes please!" Spock shook his head as they walked off.

"Are you certain allowing her to participate in the talent show was a good idea?" Kirk shrugged.

"Why not? What could go wrong?"

End Ch. 2

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed yesterday and for your suggestions. I was so impressed! I'll try to use as many as I can.


	3. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional carol that has been around since the 16th century.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Dilmn8 and Lily C, who suggested this song.

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 3:

_I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus_

Those remaining on the _Enterprise_ were gathered in the auditorium, waiting for the talent show to begin. Quite a few of the crew had signed up with acts, but most people were there to hear the adopted daughter of their captain and first officer sing. Just before it was time to start, Captain Kirk walked out on the stage and thanked everyone for coming.

"Good afternoon, everybody! I want to thank Lt. Uhura for her efforts coordinating this event. Give her a round of applause!" Nyota grinned as the audience clapped. It had taken a lot of time and effort, but it had been worth it. Some of the acts were going to blow everyone away… she especially couldn't wait to watch Cupcake belt his heart out.

"So without further ado, I give you, the MC of the _Enterprise_'s second annual talent show, Pavel Chekov." Walking off stage, Jim passed Chekov and high-fived him on his way to sit next to Spock in the audience.

"Hello. We haf a vunderful show for you today," the curly haired ensign informed the crew. "You would not beliewe vhat sort of talent your crew has. Ve hawe singers, dancers, actors, magicians, musicians, comedians, and even a wentriolquist!" He paused for dramatic effect. "I suppose you vant me to get dis show on the road, da?"

"Yes!" Screamed the audience.

"Wery well, I can do zat!" Chekov beamed at the audience. "Ladies and gentlemen, opening dis year's talent show is none uzzer zan our belowed Saavik, singing her interpretation of an old Christmas song." Jim let out a wolf whistle as the curtain went up and his daughter came out onstage. (Spock merely clapped politely.) The rest of the crew went wild, as they knew they were in for a special treat.

Behind Saavik were Scotty and Dr. McCoy, who apparently were going to act out what she sang. Scotty was dressed in a gold command shirt, and Bones was dressed in a Santa suit. He was even wearing Vulcan ears! Needless to say, Bones did not look thrilled. Saavik turned around toward them, and Scotty nodded. Facing the audience, her strong alto filled the auditorium as she began to sing,

_I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus  
Underneath the mistletoe last night.  
He didn't see me sneak  
Down the stairs to take a peek;  
He thought that I was tucked up  
in my quarters fast asleep._

(Scotty and McCoy mimicked kissing under the mistletoe, much to McCoy's evident dismay, Jim's utter delight, and Spock's mortification.)

Then, I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus  
And heard him call Santa Claus uptight;  
Oh, how funny it would have been  
If Father had only seen  
Daddy tickle Santa Claus last night.

(The audience roared at that verse. Spock mentally asked Jim if he'd known about the particulars of Saavik's performance, but Kirk feigned innocence.)

I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus  
Touching their forefinger-tips last night.  
He didn't think that I  
Would ever want to spy;  
He thought that I was far away  
in dreamland flying high.

(Everybody 'awwwwed' as Scotty and McCoy demonstrated a Vulcan kiss. Spock had his hands in front of his face, not understanding why the actors were needed to augment Saavik's performance.)

Then, I saw Daddy meld with Santa Claus  
Once they had made up after their fight;  
Oh, how funny it would have been  
If Father had only seen  
Daddy's meld with Santa Claus last night!

Saavik grinned triumphantly as Scotty and McCoy demonstrated a 'meld'. As far as the audience was concerned, the song had been a hit! But Saavik felt the need to explain something, as their 'Santa' was rather unconventional looking.

"It turns out the Terran children are incorrect – Santa Claus is Vulcan!" Everyone_ howled_.

"Good luck teaching her self control in public," cracked Jim, patting his thoroughly green t'hy'la on his back. Once everyone had calmed down, Chekov was able to announce the next act.

"Following that lowely performance, we now haf Cupcake, I mean, Giotto singing "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth."

End Ch. 3

A/N: Thanks again for your responses!! They make me smile. Keep those suggestions coming!


	4. All I Want 4 Xmas Is My Two Front Teeth

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional carol that has been around since the 16th century.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to silverstreakednight, who suggested this song.

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 4:

_All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth_

Lieutenant Giotto, Chief of Security, stepped out onto the stage. He was greeted with complete silence as everyone in the audience stared at him, shocked that a burly macho man like Giotto would be participating in the talent show. Kirk's mouth dropped open, and Spock's eyebrows flew to the ceiling as Giotto adjusted the mike. This guy was actually going to sing?!?!

"Yo, wazzup up everybody?" Cupcake greeted them. "Giotto's in da house!"

"OMG I love you Cupcake!" Ensign McGivers squealed. Giotto glared when he heard someone shout his infamous 'endearment'.

"Dis song goes out to Captain Kirk. And it goes a little somethin' like dis…" Uhura struck up an accompaniment on the piano, and Giotto began to croon,

_Everybody stops  
and stares at me  
My self-esteem is  
gone as you can see  
I know__ exactly __who  
to blame for this catastrophe!_

_(This means you, Kirk!)_

"Hey!" Jim gaped at him, affronted. All he'd done since assuming command was be extra nice to Cupcake. What exactly was the problem? That altercation in the Iowa bar had occurred years ago. And besides, Cupcake had started it!

"Shh, t'hy'la," Spock soothed. Grumbling, Kirk crossed his arms and watched the rest of the performance. Giotto continued,

_But my one wish on Christmas Eve  
is as plain as it can be!_

All I want for Christmas  
is the crew's respect, the crew's respect,  
oh, the crew's respect!

Man, if I could only  
have the crew's respect,  
then I might wish you  
"Merry Christmas."  
It seems that most crew confuse me,  
with a bakery confectionary!"

Gosh oh gee, how thrilled I'd be,  
if I was nickname-free

All I want for Christmas  
is the crew's respect,  
the crew's respect,  
oh, the crew's respect.  
Dude, if I could only  
have the crew's respect,  
then I might wish you  
"Merry Christmas!"

Giotto took a bow, and blushed at the smattering round of applause. Kirk turned to Spock and winced.

"I had no idea he felt that way! Maybe I should've stopped the cupcake joke before it got out of hand."

"Perhaps," Spock agreed. "I, however, find it to be extremely amusing. He did injure you after all."

"So did you," Kirk shot back.

"That was different," Spock protested. "If I recall correctly, you enjoyed that very much."

"Hell yeah, I did," Jim groaned, remembering Spock's nimble fingers closing over his throat. He'd never been so turned on in his life! And Spock thought Jim might've thought Pon Farr was a drawback of being in a relationship with the Vulcan… ha!

Back onstage, Giotto was still receiving a standing ovation, and was basking in the amount of roses young women threw at the stage.

"WE LOVE YOU, CUPCAKE!" Screamed a gaggle of girl ensigns in security. Giotto decided that if his nickname got him a female following, it wasn't so bad. Maybe he might even thank Captain Kirk one of these days for bestowing it upon him. At least, it was better than 'Moonbeam'.

Once Cupcake exited the stage, Chekov walked out, thanking Giotto for his stirring performance. He went on to introduce the next performer.

"And next ve haf Mr. Scott singing "I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas."

End Ch. 4

A/N: I've also got 'Rudolph', 'Baby It's Cold Outside' and 'Mr Grinch' on the list. Guess who is singing the Grinch? ROFL.


	5. All I Want For Christmas Is You

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. The Twelve Days of Christmas is a traditional carol that has been around since the 16th century.

A/N: I'm going out of town so I won't post another one of these for a few days. Sorry!

Also, OOC Spock. You were warned. You K/S fans will love it, though!

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 5:

All I Want For Christmas Is You

.~.

Scotty stumbled out on stage. From his front row seat, Kirk could see the Scot was sweating. His forehead was practically dripping! Scotty tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. Kirk didn't understand what Scotty was so worked up about. After all, James Tiberius Kirk had never been nervous a day in his life!

Scotty shuffled up to the mike, and tried to test it. But all that came out of his mouth was a girly squeak.

"Eep!" The Scot cried, and then fainted dead away. Hearing the gasps in the audience, Chekov rushed out on stage. "Aye yi yi!" He exclaimed. Then he remembered the crowd. "Do not vorry, eweryone! He vill be fine," a smiling Chekov assured the audience as Sulu and McCoy dragged Scotty's unconscious form behind the curtain.

Worriedly, Kirk turned to Spock, but found his bondmate no longer sitting next to him. Kirk thought he was probably just in the bathroom, and thought nothing of it.

"Vhile ve vail for Mr. Scott to vake up," Chekov stalled, "our next performer vill take ze stage. Our next act is someone who has newer sung on stage before, and he's nerwous. So I'd like eweryone to giwe him a round of applause." The audience clapped as the curtain went up to reveal… Spock?!?!

"Singing 'All I Vant For Christmas Is You', is our wery own Mr. Spock!" Chekov announced with glee.

Spock took the mike in his hands. "I wish to dedicate this piece of Terran music to my bondmate, whose holiday spirit is infectious. I cannot usually find words to express my emotions, so I will let the song do the job for me." His voice dipped an octave lower. "So, Jim, this one is for you."

Kirk caught his bondmate's eye and beamed. He was so proud of his mate for loosening up and singing in front of the crew! Saavik rushed over to her Daddy and sat beside him right before her Vulcan father began to sing.

_I do not want an excess for Christmas  
That would be illogical  
I do not care about the presents  
He bought from the colony  
I just want him for my own  
More than he could ever know  
Help our bond stay true  
All I want for Christmas is...  
You_

I do not want a lot for Christmas  
There is just one thing I need  
I do not care about the presents  
Underneath the Christmas tree  
I do not need to hang my stocking  
The material makes me sick  
Holly will not make me happy  
Since my Jim is allergic  
I just want Jim for my own  
More than he could ever know  
Help our bond stay true  
All I want for Christmas is you  
You… baby

I will not ask for much this Christmas  
I do not even wish for snow  
I will just keep on waiting  
Underneath the mistletoe  
I will not make a list and send it  
Because that is illogical  
I will not even stay awake to  
finish my reports at all  
'Cause I just want him here tonight  
Holding on to me so tight  
What more can I do?  
Baby all I want for Christmas is you  
Ooh baby 

_  
All the lights are shining  
So brightly on your chair  
And the sound of Saavik's  
Laughter fills the air  
And everyone is singing  
I hear klaxons ringing  
Santa will you please keep safe the one I really need  
Will you please keep my t'hy'la with me!_

Oh I do not want a lot for Christmas  
This is all I am asking for  
I just want to see my Jimmy  
Standing right outside our door  
Oh I just want him for my own  
More than he could ever know 

_Help our love stay true  
Baby all I want for Christmas is...  
You…_

When Spock finished, the audience erupted into thunderous cheers.

"I love you, Spock!" Jim yelled over the din. He ran and jumped up on the stage, and pulled his t'hy'la in for a bear hug. Spock stiffened at the contact but finally relaxed, not caring for once about the PDA.

"Kiss, kiss, kiss!" Shouted the audience. Jim glanced slyly at Spock, who nodded. And so they touched fingers in front of the crew!

"I don't mean to interrupt your lowe fest, but Mr. Scott is ready to go!" Chekov informed them.

"C'mon, Spock, let's go celebrate," said Jim, winking at the audience. Spock blushed green as Jim led him back to their seats. Finally, Scotty came out on stage, looking like he might faint again…

End Ch. 5


	6. I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. 'I'm Gettin Nuttin' For Christmas' is written by Sid Tepper and Roy C. Bennett.

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 6:

I'm Getting Nuttin' For Christmas

From his vantage point on the stage, Scotty waved timidly at the audience. The tremor in his right leg was visible to Kirk, who was at a loss as to why his normally gregarious Chief Engineer was a bundle of nerves.

"Eweryone, giwe Mr. Scott a big round of applause!" Chekov encouraged from his position. The crowd did as they were told and soon a deafening roar filled the auditorium. Bolstered by their encouragement, Scott approached the microphone and belted out,

"Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!" He clamped his hands over his mouth in horror, but it was too late. People in the audience snickered, Kirk among them. From their bond, the captain knew that Spock found Scotty's behavior to be illogical.

"I dinnae mean to sing that! It sometimes happens when I get nervous. Let me try again," the Scot begged.

"Sing it, Montgomery!" Uhura called from the wings. "You can do it!" Scotty nodded, wiping the sweat from his brow. He took a deep breath and crooned,

"Happy Birthday to you - you live in a zoo!" Mortified, Scotty turned away from his audience with his head in his hands. He was about to run off the stage when Uhura walked out to stand by him.

"I'll sing with you," she whispered, patting his shoulder. "Give it one more try. Please? For me?" Scotty sighed. He could never resist his girlfriend, therefore he gave in against his better judgment. Who knew what would slip out of his mouth next?

Radiating confidence, Uhura took her stance in front of the microphone.

"We'll be singing a different version of "I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas'," she explained. "Mr. Scott re-wrote it himself to fit life on the_ Enterprise._ Are you ready?"

"Yeah!" Cried the impatient audience, which, of course, included Kirk.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I said, ARE YOU READY?" Uhura shouted that last part.

"YEAH!" Screamed the audience. They were all fired up for Scotty and Uhura's duet. Uhura whispered to Scotty that she'd take the first stanza. Her clear soprano rang out across the auditorium as she sang,

_I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas  
The commander and captain are mad.  
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas  
'Cause I have been a wee bit bad!_

Uhura winked at Scotty, who blushed and took the next verse. He didn't forget the words now that Uhura was there with him.  
_  
I falsely announced Jim was dead; McCoy snitched on me.  
I hid tribbles in Chekov's bed;  
Sulu snitched on me._

Chekov giggled at that part, watching from his position on the stage as Ms. Uhura and Mr. Scott chimed in together,

_  
I tampered with the engines much  
Then I ate up Keenser's lunch;  
Took out Cupcake with a punch;  
Somebody snitched on me._

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas  
Nyota and Keenser are mad.  
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas  
'Cause I have been a wee bit bad. 

_I beamed away the Admiral's dog;  
Somebody snitched on me.  
I tampered with the captain's log;  
James T. snitched on me.  
I did a dance on Sulu's plant.  
I beamed away our Vulcan's pants. Told the crew 'bout Chapel's romance;  
Somebody snitched on me!_

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas  
Commander and Captain are mad.  
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas  
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

Scotty smiled at his girlfriend. Finally, he seemed to be enjoying himself on stage. They finished the final stanza with gusto.

_So you better be good whatever you do  
'Cause if you're bad, I'm warning you,  
You'll get nuttin' for Christmas!_

Scotty took a bow as the audience went wild! Uhura hugged him and planted a wet one on his cheek.

"I'm the luckiest lad alive!" Scotty proclaimed as he reached for Uhura's hand.

In the audience, Kirk and Spock watched the scene with interest.

//Mr. Scott is incorrect. I believe I am the 'luckiest lad alive', as I am bonded to you, Jim.// Spock projected through the mind link. Kirk grinned at him and rested his head on Spock's shoulder. He wanted to argue with Spock that in fact, he was the luckiest lad alive, but it would have to wait.

"I was going to wait until the Christmas party to do this," said Scotty, "but I cannae wait any longer." He got down on one knee in front of Uhura, who gasped in surprise as he pulled out a dilithium crystal ring.

"Nyota Uhura, will you marry me?" She pulled him up to his feet.

"Of course!" she cried, throwing her arms around him. If it was possible, the cacophony grew even louder as crew members shouted their congratulations to the couple. Scotty slipped the ring on to Uhura's left ring finger. It was a perfect fit!

"Ah, young lowe," Chekov sighed as he watched Nyota and Montgomery kiss. "How wery romantic!" When the couple still didn't make any moves to leave, Chekov reluctantly had to break up their little love fest.

"I am sorry, but you both must wacate the stage so ve may mowe on to ze next act."

"C'mon," Uhura grabbed Scotty's arm and pulled him after her. The Scot displayed a goofy, love struck expression, and only had eyes for his fiancé. He trotted after her like a lost puppy.

//I remember when you followed me around like that at the beginning of our relationship.// Kirk projected through the bond. Spock mentally chuckled.

//I believe you have that backwards, t'hy'la.// The Vulcan chided. //I distinctly remember that it was _you_ who wished to spend every available moment with _me_. A Vulcan's memory never lies.//

//Yeah, it was something like that.// Kirk admitted. He reached for Spock's hand and held it in his lap. From her adjacent seat, Saavik wrinkled her nose as her fathers discreetly Vulcan kissed. She was thrilled her adoptive parents were still in love, but did they really have to do _that_ in front of her?

Back on stage, Chekov was trying to calm the crowd. They were talking excitedly amongst themselves about the impromptu proposal.

"My goodness!" the young ensign exclaimed, drawing the attention back to him. "It vill be wery hard to top zat, but I know our next performer can do it. Singing 'Mr. Grinch' is our belowed Doctor McCoy!"

The curtain went up, leaving a scowling McCoy in a Santa suit standing alone on the stage.

End Ch. 6

A/N: Sorry this was so late. I'm mentally and physically exhausted from this weekend's yoga trip. I've decided to chronicle my experience in a one shot where Kirk goes on a spiritual retreat with Spock on the Vulcan colony, so look for that. I'll also do a few more of these songs as well. Thanks so much for all your reviews – I'm so pleased how well these silly songs are received!


	7. You're A Mean One, Mr Grinch

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: This one was probably my most difficult so far, but I had fun with it. I hope it makes you laugh as much as it did for me!

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 7: You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch

The music started up, and McCoy shifted side to side in time with the beat. He continued to scowl at everyone, but Jim thought he was secretly enjoying his big moment on stage.

Kirk was absolutely thrilled that he was getting the chance to see his friend perform an old classic. The song really_ did_ fit McCoy, the resident Grinch on the _Enterprise_. Not that McCoy's heart was three sizes too small - he just pretended that it was. But Kirk saw right through the grumpy doctor's façade, and most of the crew did too. Even Spock was somewhat fond of the man, although he'd never admit it to his face. But almost all of the crew owed their life to McCoy's exemplary care. He was the best doctor in space, even if he did deny that he was a psychiatrist. (Kirk knew better.)

McCoy began to sing, and he sounded eerily like the Grinch!

_I'm a mean one, I'm a Grinch  
I really am a brat  
I'm as cuddly as a wild sehlat  
I'm as cranky as a cat  
I'm a Grinch  
I've a bedside manner that's a joke, it really is a laugh_

I'm quite snappy, I'm a Grinch  
My heart won't ever heal  
My liver's shot from brandy  
And I refuse to feel I'm a Grinch  
Don't ever beam me up with a  
defective transporter!

I'm a foul one, I'm a Grinch  
I'm even worse than Khan!  
I have all the gentle sweetness of an angry crazed Klingon  
I'm a Grinch  
Given the choice between the two of us  
You'd take the angry crazed Klingon!

I'm a mean one, I'm a Grinch  
I'm a nasty wasty quack  
I love to fight with Mr. Spock  
'Til Captain Kirk comes back  
I'm a Grinch

The one word that my crew fears, is as follows, and I quote  
**Phy-si-cals!**

Kirk laughed long and hard at those last lines. It was true, he did fear his physical, but it was an irrational fear. Bones always took good care of Jim, as he knew all of his allergies. And he loved it when Spock fought with McCoy. He loved watching his sexy Vulcan outwit the outraged doctor. It was most entertaining!

//If I had realized that, Jim, I would fight with Dr. McCoy more often.// Spock supplied through their bond.

//You totally should, it's hilarious to watch.// Jim enthused. //Whoever says Vulcans don't have a sense of humor has never heard the ways you've bested him.//

Kirk shared an amused look with Spock, and then they returned their attention to the stage. McCoy continued,

_I'm a doctor, and a Grinch  
I'm the king of painful shots!  
My sympathy is long gone ever since my harsh divorce  
I'm a Grinch_

My soul is an appalling dump heap  
Overflowing with the most disgusting  
Assortment of replicated rubbish  
Imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots

I nauseate you, I'm a Grinch  
When you are sent to Sickbay!  
I don't let you have visitors and  
I make you stay for days  
I'm a Griiiiiiii-inch!

I'm a native of Earth, specifically from the state of Georgia  
and **not** _Kentucky! _

The audience chuckled at that last line, and most people rose to their feet with applause. McCoy blushed as Christine Chapel rushed up on stage and gave him a kiss.

"I happen to love Grinches," she announced over the mike. "Don't let him fool you. He's a teddy bear underneath all that cynicism."

"Christine," McCoy complained.

"He's a very manly teddy bear," she amended, and McCoy facepalmed. Chekov came to his rescue.

"We still haf seweral amazing acts left on the program! Sank you wery much, Doctor. Zat performance was good, although I sink you left out that the creator of ze Grinch was from Russia." The audience laughed at that.

"Anyways, our next performer ees a wery close friend of mine." Chekov beamed at the audience. "Singing 'Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer', giwe it up for Hikaru Sulu!"

A/N: Reviews are great! :)


	8. Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: Thanks to all my wonderful readers for their responses!!

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 8: Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Sulu grinned at Chekov as he took the stage. There was no stage fright for him! After all, this was much easier than a fencing competition. All he had to do was sing!

"I'd like to dedicate this song to Captain Kirk," he announced. I owe him a lot, as he risked his life to save mine during the Narada disaster. That's just the type of man our captain is, selfless and brave. He would gladly give his life in order to save any of ours, although I hope he never gets that chance." (Spock agreed with that sentiment wholeheartedly.) "So I've changed the lyrics to Rudolph in an attempt to commemorate the day Kirk saved Earth," Sulu finished.

"Sulu, stop making me blush!" Kirk yelled from the audience, but of course he was kidding. Jim Kirk did not blush, except for that one time during Spock's first Pon Farr…

"The song is called, 'Jim Kirk, The Cocky Cadet'." Kirk rolled his eyes. He hadn't been _that _sure of himself in his academy days, had he?

//Affirmative.// Jim turned and scowled at his bondmate.

//You know, Spock, I wasn't asking you.// The Vulcan restrained his amusement.

//Still, we are all lucky that you had the confidence to challenge me for the captaincy. If you had not, I would have led us back to the fleet, we would have been more than likely wiped out by Nero, and you and I never would have had the chance to discover all that we could be together.// Kirk smirked. It was true - they all owed their lives to the fact that he'd been a cocky bastard.

//I'll help you discover a whole lot more tonight…//

"Stop talking amongst yourselves," Saavik whispered, interrupting her fathers' mental conversation. "It's rude."

"Sorry, love." Jim answered for him and Spock. Saavik pouted at him.

"Besides, Sulu's starting!" They watched as Sulu's low baritone began to sing,

_You know Decker and Robau and Sulu and Archer..._

_Janeway and Sisko and Pike and Picard_

_But do you recall... the most famous captain of all?_

_Jim Kirk, the cocky cadet  
had a quite ingenious brain. (like Einstein!)  
And if you ever met him,  
you might think he wasn't sane. (like Nero!)_

"Hey!" Kirk cried from the audience.

All of the Starfleet trial board  
grounded him and withheld permission. (like a teenager!)  
They didn't let poor Jim Kirk  
take part in the rescue mission. (he didn't listen)

Then one hectic day in space  
Captain Pike had faith:  
"Jim Kirk with your brain so bright,  
won't you save the earth tonight?"

Then all his crewmates loved him  
as they hollered out with glee, (Yippee!)  
Jim Kirk the cocky captain,  
you'll go down in history! (Like Zephram Cochran!)

Sulu took a bow, and everyone cheered. A smug Jim also stood up and took a bow, since the song _was_ about his famous accomplishment.

"Fabulous job, Hikaru!" Chekov happily congratulated his friend.

"And now we haf a special surprise!"

End Ch. 8

A/N: Reviews are great! :)


	9. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nuTrek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.

A/N: Sorry I had no time at all for this chapter so it's gonna be short and sweet. It's either this or nothing! Enjoy it :D

.~. Star Trek – The Christmas Musical .~.

Ch. 9: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

At Chekov's announcement of a surprise, the main bridge crew all returned to the stage. They stood together in a clump with their arms around each other. Kirk, of course, was in front, with Spock next to him. Chekov joined in too, standing close to Sulu. McCoy and Chapel, as well as Scotty and Uhura were nestled together on the sides of the group.

"And now, eet is time for ze grand finale!" The Russian exclaimed with glee. "We hope you all enjoyed ze show, and ze captain has given Lt. Uhura the go-ahead for a show next year!"

The audience cheered!

"And now," Chekov continued, "We give you our wery own wersion of 'Rockin Around Ze Christmas Tree'!

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, Scotty, and Chapel began to sing,

_Rocking around the Enterprise  
at the Christmas party hop  
Mistletoe hung where you can see  
Ev'ry ensign tries to stop_

_Rocking around the Enterprise  
Let the Christmas Spirit ring  
Later we'll have a red alert  
and we'll do some butt-kicking_

_You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear voices singing _

_"Let's be jolly; Deck the bridge with boughs of holly" _

_Rocking around the Enterprise  
Have a happy holiday  
Everyone but Spock likes to dance  
In a new old fashioned way_

_Rocking around the Enterprise  
Let the Christmas Spirit ring  
Later we'll have a red alert  
and we'll do some butt-kicking_

_You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear _

_voices singing "Let's be jolly; Deck the bridge with boughs of holly"_

_Rocking around the Enterprise  
Have a happy holiday  
Everyone (even Spock) will dance  
In a new… old… fash-ioned… waaaaaay!_

After that stirring performance, the audience went absolutely wild!

"Thanks everyone for your support!" Kirk grabbed the microphone, dragging Spock along for the ride. "Have a happy holiday, everyone! Stay safe and have fun!"

THE END


End file.
